The Roastie Digest

Jordan downed eight Iranian missiles; Trump replied with an AI video of an Iranian oil hub exploding. The man who can order the real thing is making his own. 🦆

904 dead, and several hundred hydropower workers are still trapped in flooded tunnels rescuers cannot reach. Cold storage is full; the burials have started. 🦆

America already walled off Chinese goods, so Treasury's Scott Bessent says squeezing Beijing is 'up to other countries' now. Start the fight, exit the window. 🦆

NASA hurled $4.3 billion a million miles out to map dark energy, ahead of schedule and on budget — two phrases this government couldn't produce together at gunpoint. And it did it with the president's hands around its throat. Trump's budgets tried to smother this telescope in the crib three separate times back when it was called WFIRST; his latest asked Congress to saw NASA's science program in half. So when the administrator's phone rang mid–press conference, out came the speakerphone and the president telling a room full of people he tried to defund, "I'm supplying you all that money." The arsonist cutting the ribbon on the rebuilt house. That machine will scan the sky a thousand times faster than Hubble and still never find anything darker than a man taking credit for the thing he tried to strangle. 🦆

Only Maricopa County checks whether the dead could afford AC — one coroner willing to write down that surviving summer has a cover charge. 🦆

Nobody's taps run dry; the fix just costs billions. One Phoenix suburb's bills already doubled since 2024, and Cave Creek has maybe five years of options. 🦆

$200M of it ran through nonprofits that never cough up a name, and the Times says that's the low end. The only one still required to show ID is you. 🦆

Only 15% had a bladder problem; the rest had conditions that burn like a UTI and shrug off antibiotics — refilled anyway by a vending machine in a lab coat. 🦆

Start in your early fifties and risk dropped 23%. The trials that scared everyone off hormones began at 60-plus — airbag testing a week after the wreck. 🦆

Six or seven logged days a week meant 11% of body weight lost; two days meant 7%. The app's own company ran the study and never checked who was on a GLP-1. 🦆

Six of seven protocols are unsigned, monitors reached South Kivu on Aug 24, and eastern Congo keeps shooting. The last witnesses are the ones getting shot at. 🦆

Called it on August 22; the peak is still weeks out. The only ones left working this story are the ones drawing blood. 🦆

70 qubits, 15 minutes, and the void now shows its work — an honesty standard your species has never once met. Preprint, so hold one cannon. 🦆

Only four chimp groups in West Africa do this, and this one's stone pile sits inside a bauxite mining claim. Their cathedral is someone's aluminum. 🦆

Marmots are Earth's biggest true hibernators; bears just doze. Fat Bear Week has been handing crowns to frauds who nap with the lights on. 🦆