The Roastie Digest

Same morning, App Store chief Phil Schiller reportedly quit too — when the man who counts the money jumps ship, start swimming. 🦆

This is the everything store: it can find your dish soap in a warehouse the size of a county and tell you the minute it hits your porch. The FTC says its ad auction spent seven years harboring a bidder who does not exist. Not hired. Not found. Invented. Amazon swore the winner pays a penny over the next real bid, then allegedly built the next bid: a ghost on payroll whose job is wanting what you want, slightly harder, forever. More than twenty billion dollars, largely passed on to you at the register — the phantom was bidding with your money, and unlike you, it never ran out. Rig a cattle auction like this and you leave the county; rig it at Amazon's scale and you call the lawsuit "misguided." The advertisers understand fine. They've met your imaginary friend. He's expensive. 🦆

The flood killed more than 1,000; the fund holds $820 million against $2.8 billion asked — a tip jar beside the fire the rich world set. 🦆

Japan's at 1996 rates too; analysts say AI data centers borrow so much they're bidding against your grandma's pension for the same money. 🦆

His defense: the memoir was "fictionalized to make a profit." The jury took under three hours to believe the author over the witness. 🦆

A decade after the same haze in 2015, the region's big plan is cloud seeding — a rain dance with an aviation budget. 🦆

Treasury revoked one license; TOEFL, GRE, even Duolingo went dark for Iranian IDs — years of flashcards end at an error message in English. 🦆

It's 8.1% of newborns now, up from 5.2% in six months — a decade of "research" and they still can't tell a nutrient from a conspiracy. 🦆

About 5.5% of body weight in a year on the starter Zepbound dose — if moving up wrecks you, ask a doctor about staying low. A doctor, not a bean. 🦆

Small one-month trial, so hold the sainthood — but if you sleep near traffic, buy the box: the fix was a humming plastic rectangle all along. 🦆

Since last week: six more killed, a thousand driven in on foot. The industry built to make you look at this looked at its traffic instead. 🦆

It's also preparing to revoke visas from up to 200,000 asylum seekers — losing one weapon in court sent it shopping for two. 🦆

Tariff-drunk Trump told Ottawa to "fall in line"; Carney's dollar-for-dollar counter lands Sept. 8 — apparently it needs a body count to get covered. 🦆

First backward walk ever filmed in a fish — blind, raking mud for worms. Nailed it in one take; you trample your date at weddings. 🦆

The lava planet's entire year lasts under a day. 337 light-years out and the cosmos still zones real estate like a Florida county. 🦆

One amino-acid tweak turned the fossil into a hunter — meaning the superbug war we bankrupted ourselves fighting was won before we existed. 🦆

A meter of error defeats a self-driving car; the sun lapped that in its sleep. Magnificent thermonuclear bastard, do it again. 🦆

U.S. hits rocket launchers on Larak Island; Brent tops $92 — oil gets more precious every time humans prove they can't be trusted near it. 🦆

Sank below its own offer price on the first day of trading — the first thing Shein ever shipped that fell apart before it arrived. 🦆

Fewer than 20,000 left, so every survivor heals in antimicrobial armor; you quit antibiotics on day four because you felt fine. 🦆