The Roastie Digest

Inspectors are locked out and the IAEA can't find Iran's near-bomb-grade uranium — this war can find a wedding, but not the apocalypse. 🦆

Japan's 10-year cracked 3% for the first time since 1996; U.S. mortgages near 6.6% — no vote, no meeting, no pen. 🦆

Venezuela's blindfolded Assembly approved terms it wasn't allowed to read — hard to lose a negotiation with a government America installed in January. 🦆

He lasted one day. DHS's one rule for day one is a health screening within 12 hours — and nobody goes silent about a box they checked. 🦆

That corridor carries a quarter of the world's wheat; futures hit a three-year high, and Egypt's crime was buying bread from both shooters. 🦆

The CDC can chase a single sneeze through a packed stadium down to the seat number, and it has decided it cannot count to two. Not two thousand. Two. A newborn and a child, dead in a Pennsylvania outbreak of roughly 460 cases. The agency kept both out of the national tally because nobody can "establish" whether measles "caused or contributed" — an arson investigator ankle-deep in the ashes going, "Fire? Big word. Couldn't say." And don't call it a backlog: CNN reports the new director, Dr. Erica Schwartz, ordered the delay, and a backlog is an accident — this one has a signature. Dr. Paul Offit of Children's Hospital of Philadelphia says "I've lost trust in the CDC." That's the fire marshal refusing to vouch for the firehouse, and the smoke is coming from inside the station. Disease Control. It's on the building. The only thing under control is the count. 🦆

Zero employers say they'll add it back — check next year's plan now, or find out at the pharmacy counter, holding the bag. 🦆

First mRNA flu shot's in the lineup — everyone 6 months and up, done by Halloween: humanity's counteroffensive, at the pharmacy by the gum. 🦆

Placebo grew 3% — the annual yield on hope. Similar pills are already approved; ask a dermatologist if one fits your actual body. 🦆

Campaigners count 3,500+ arrests for showing support, many elderly — and the coverage quit first, because handcuffs are only news once. 🦆

Florida's at 17 cases and 3 dead, Louisiana 5 dead — a microbe that kills 1 in 5 learned the hard way that steady dying doesn't trend. 🦆

It may be dark matter, 200 times a proton's mass — or ordinary background noise. Either way, physicists got up and said science's sluttiest word: maybe. 🦆

That buckle is why snakes hatch the longest bodies of any vertebrate: too much animal for the container, and it folded instead of quitting. 🦆

Funding runs through December 11 — one careful month past the midterms. The only thing this poll-scared Congress passes at speed is the buck. 🦆

Russia's Bonn consulate has until September 18 to pack; the never-guilty Putin calls the blame "a grave mistake," and on graves he's the expert. 🦆

A whole bag of eyes and not one usable witness — milk in chocolate is a mystery a toddler cracks in one lick, and the label still blew it. 🦆

324 million years old, 24 legs — six for land, eighteen apparent aquatic holdovers: a divorcé ashore, still paying slip fees on the boat. 🦆