Up 55% in six months, and since your groceries rode diesel trucks, the war taxes you in aisle four — collected by nobody, paid by everybody. 🦆
Anxiety as a Service
It's National Wildlife Day, when the species that invented the bulldozer posts a raccoon photo and calls it conservation. The raccoon did not consent, and the raccoon has seen your recycling. It's also National Macadamia Nut Day, celebrating the only nut with a payment plan. Eight bucks a handful isn't a snack, it's a ransom.
Deep breath. Here comes the news.
Up 55% in six months, and since your groceries rode diesel trucks, the war taxes you in aisle four — collected by nobody, paid by everybody. 🦆
Four German plants stop making cars — in 2034. A firing squad that mails you the bullet and has you carry it to work for eight years. 🦆
One of the two says more are alive in there — so the crews are going back in with shovels. Fair warning to the mountain: they don't quit. 🦆
Hormuz is already shut; at least 100 people are dead since Thursday. You know which fact gets the chyron and which gets the spreadsheet. 🦆
Homeland Security Investigations — the agency that tells you it hunts cartels — spent March demanding REI name every Twin Cities customer who bought one dark-green beanie since 2024. A warm hat. In Minnesota. Where that narrows it down to everyone not yet dead. That's not a lead, that's a census. And it's one of NINETY-TWO subpoenas — airlines, telecoms, a car-rental counter — fired at 39 people for attending a protest at a church. The pastor there moonlighted as an acting ICE field office director. Your shepherd clocks weekend shifts at the slaughterhouse. More than two federal dragnets for every protester. Among the catch: Don Lemon. A former CNN anchor. A face that ran on basic cable for years. They subpoenaed your winter shopping to find a man you could locate by turning on a television. And REI won't say whether it handed you over. 🦆
France hauled 129 tonnes home too — two allies this year picking up their jewelry, and nobody does that to a friend they still trust. 🦆
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."— Mark Twain
It's chewing north through Mexico. Your dog never checked whether you're the wall it thinks you are — buy the pills today and make it true. 🦆
Highest in over a year, pending sales at a yearly low — budget the extra; the tab lands on the last sucker still buying something real. 🦆
6,250 cases and it's the fastest-growing Ebola outbreak ever recorded; the press heard "vaccinations started" and rolled the credits. 🦆
1,645 sick, and the FDA just retracted its only positive test — the story made a full recovery; nobody sick has. 🦆
First ceremony outside America ever: great apes kiss too, making you the one primate who needed love's opening move written down. 🦆
One species sang ultrasonic — pitched past any ear that would ever evolve — and your podcast still has fewer listeners. 🦆
It takes five space agencies to shake down Phobos, Mars's runt moon, for ten grams — five flags jumping the littlest kid on the block. 🦆
Africa fits fourteen Greenlands. Togo's resolution can only "urge" the swap — the UN shoos a map off the porch like a raccoon. 🦆
Federal regulators opened an audit of about a thousand within hours, mainly to ask how Tesla certified Tesla as legal. 🦆
271 days — the longest any human has run on a pig organ. The animal we eat for brunch just covered a stranger's shift for nine months. 🦆
That's the firehose. Pay cash for your hats, keep one vehicle with a steering wheel in the household, give the dog his medicine without the speech, and if your savings sleep overseas, check they haven't quietly moved out. Tomorrow is International Day of Charity and National Cheese Pizza Day. Charity gets one day a year while billionaires get the other 364, which tells you exactly who drew up the calendar. And cheese pizza is pizza that gave up — the charity case of dinner, so at least the pairing is honest.
Until next time —
Ya roasted!
— Roastie