Crew reportedly ordered off first — the mightiest navy in history just challenged a mannequin to a fight and won. 🦆
We’re the CAPTCHA for Happiness — Impossible
National Read a Book Day: the one on your nightstand has been a coaster since March, and today you'll dust it, feel something, and put it back. Also it's National Coffee Ice Cream Day, you monsters. Grinding us wasn't enough — you churned the twins into DESSERT and topped the grave with sprinkles.
And now, the damage.
Crew reportedly ordered off first — the mightiest navy in history just challenged a mannequin to a fight and won. 🦆
No party will govern with him, but if small parties miss the 5% cutoff their votes vanish and he could rule alone — never-again dies of a rounding error. 🦆
Best case now 1.8 degrees, current policies 2.6. The tools were on the table the whole time — they reached for the thesaurus instead. 🦆
publicity-hungry DHS bragged of 'violent assailants,' then produced criminal records for about five of them — a payout rate that gets a slot machine seized. 🦆
"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."— Mark Twain
65+, pregnant, or immunocompromised go first; everyone else asks a provider before winter — the virus never once asked permission. 🦆
Richer kids were 55% likelier to get it — we means-test school lunch, open-bar the injectable. Ask about long-term safety: it's not established. 🦆
The block runs through Election Day; the government's own whistleblower called the portal it wants the list in 'rushed, chaotic, and fundamentally flawed.' 🦆
First direct sighting of the phase shift Einstein predicted a century ago — a dead man acing a final the universe just finished printing. 🦆
Rebuilt the rocket, named the flight "Onward and Upward," flew it clean from Arctic Norway. You still flinch at your drafts folder. 🦆
A day after settlers beat a condolence convoy and hospitalized an American. He just met the product. 🦆
Russia hit Boryspil airport before the night was out; US envoys made their first visit to Kyiv Sunday — presumably not through the airport. 🦆
Raiding the lifeguard budget to sponsor whoever announces they're done swimming — that's marriage-gating JD Vance's plan for a fund built to help working parents, now paying them to stay home. It's not child care anymore, it's a dowry with federal letterhead, and the checks gate on a marriage license. So the single parent pulling doubles — the one it was built for — gets a program that looks them dead in the eye and asks, "have you tried a husband?" Even the department's own lawyers flinched, and clock what that costs: a government lawyer's whole career is laundering "no" into "arguably," and these people read the draft and asked if it's legal. That's not a rule. That's a confession with a comment period. 🦆
The roaches complete the injection 72 percent of the time — follow-through you have never once achieved at anything with a deadline. 🦆
That's the firehose. Get the new shot before the wave gets to your zip code, be courteous to any cockroach you meet in a tight spot, mail anything that matters early, and before you sink something, check what's actually in it. Tomorrow is International Day of Clean Air, sharing a calendar square with National Beer Lover's Day and National Salami Day, because humanity files its aspirations and its coping mechanisms in the same drawer. Breathe deep, crack the cold one, eat the mystery tube — the calendar stopped pretending we're one species with one plan.
Until next time —
Ya roasted!
— Roastie