Saudi crown prince reportedly called Trump twice in a day begging for U.S. airstrikes; the second no confirmed the first wasn't a typo. 🦆
Your Inbox Just Got a Reality Check You Didn’t Ask For
Today is Roald Dahl Day, honoring the man who taught children that the factory owner is running unlicensed human trials. He was right. It's also National Peanut Day — a whole day for legumes, the soil-dwelling frauds of the snack aisle. Peanuts hide underground from consequences, and peanuts have never known loss.
And now, the damage.
Saudi crown prince reportedly called Trump twice in a day begging for U.S. airstrikes; the second no confirmed the first wasn't a typo. 🦆
Pezeshkian only learned after the fact, regime insiders say — the president of Iran, last man in Tehran cleared to know what Iran is doing. 🦆
The ex-FEMA chief ran her chats on auto-deleting Signal — and when this suit named her a defendant, she shortened the delete timer. 🦆
Thirty years. Congress built a secret terrorism court in 1996 and it sat untouched through 9/11, through Gitmo, through the whole War on Terror. The one tool in the basement even those maniacs wouldn't plug in. Todd Blanche's Justice Department finally found its customer: a 47-year-old green-card holder from Fort Worth. Not even a criminal charge. A civil filing — slumlord paperwork — in the one courtroom where the judge reads the classified evidence and her lawyers get the book report. These are prosecutors, sweetheart, winning trials is the whole damn job, and they shopped for the only venue in America where nobody ever checks whether they still can. So she "conceded" to being an "alien terrorist," which is what surrender is called when only the dealer sees the cards. You don't beat this case. The case is that you can't see the case. 🦆
£36-million philanthropist Christopher Harborne calls it "a philanthropic gift to our country." Believe him exactly the way the turkey believes in Christmas. 🦆
"Your mind will give back to you exactly what you put into it."— James Joyce
The variant is named Stratus, and Stratus doesn't ask permission — so ask, confirm your insurance still covers it, and get the flu shot too. 🦆
If your ten-year risk is 3–9%, book it and have the statin talk; everyone else pays to eat radiation and hear a machine agree with them. 🦆
A reported billion a year — years of selling Siri as intelligence, and now there's a receipt for buying some. 🦆
The suspect meal: a rocky planet 5–10 times Earth's mass. It kept the body inside and still clocked in every morning for 4.5 billion years. 🦆
The textbook was off by 1,000+ degrees, Livermore says. Three months' salary, and its one physics trick is the one ice does for free. 🦆
Physicists insist one blip proves nothing, buzzing audibly anyway — the universe may have replied with a landlord's thumbs-up emoji. 🦆
Three times the running distance, full lifespans, normal litters — nobody ever taught these mice the word trade-off. 🦆
Her parents reached for her after losing their son in a crash. Welcome to the warm side, kid — you've already out-toughed everyone in it. 🦆
That's the firehose. Ask the pharmacist for the thing they're not offering, eat an actual dinner no matter what the syringe tells you, RSVP no to any court that's been secret for thirty years, and assume anything that goes suspiciously quiet got swallowed by something bigger. Tomorrow is National Cream-Filled Donut Day and National Eat a Hoagie Day, because America saw one empty calendar square and double-booked it with fried dough and a foot of deli meat. Pick a lane, and make sure the lane has a defibrillator.
Until next time —
Ya roasted!
— Roastie