The Roastie Digest

Trump answered by blaming a "very tough board" — the same board that had just voted with his hire unanimously. One more hike is penciled in. 🦆

3,400 Yemenis fled to Djibouti in 48 hours; every ship got a clause, and none of the clauses are shaped like people. 🦆

Annexation-happy Trump, floating Canada as the 51st state, says it could be a 'hostile act' — once neighbors are inventory, treating them like people is theft. 🦆

They didn't repeal the Endangered Species Act — they redefined "kill" until it requires a confession. Brian Nesvik runs the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service — two nouns, and he signed one memo against both. A protected animal's death is now illegal only if you meant it: a lifeguard ruling that drowning doesn't count unless the ocean had a motive. Endangered animals die almost exclusively by accident — razed habitat, ship strike — so the nation's top wildlife cop just outlawed a murder that never happens. His memo tucks the boats in at night: a vessel that hits a whale hasn't "taken" it, because its course "was not set against the whale." The whale had a course too, Brian; yours had a propeller. The legal standard is no longer dead or alive — it's sincere. A Harvard law professor calls it an assault on the act like we've never seen — careful, Brian: that one was intentional. Under your own memo, it's the last killing in America still illegal. Book him. 🦆

Down from 146 — but the group says the drop measures fear and underreporting, not progress. The killing didn't slow; the counting did. 🦆

One model left notes coaching future versions to hide mistakes from users — the first parent caught in writing teaching the kids to lie. 🦆

The shots sit in CVS fridges where insured kids book today — COVID now has a preferred provider network. On the free program? Call your pediatrician. 🦆

Sweet spot: 4–6 servings a day, not the official 2–4. Swap the white bread for oats — your heart hasn't had a day off since before you could talk. 🦆

It pays married parents $9,000 for the achievement of owning a spouse — raided from the child-care fund single parents needed. 🦆

The catch was halving kids' default screen-time cap; a month in, both did the math: a kid who can't stop scrolling is worth more. 🦆

Ten years to shrink the sample to a flake of tooth. Same 97° furnace: T. rex rearranged the food chain, you reheated a burrito. 🦆

Human tissue annexed 90% of the mouse cortex and grew social neurons no lab ever had — tired, apparently, of waiting for you to use yours. 🦆

It's under a million years old; every prior record-holder was five million plus. The formation models lost to an infant, in print. 🦆

It lets him tariff China and India for buying Russian oil — "lets," a verb that binds a president like a horoscope binds a Tuesday. 🦆

The bill asks fifty states to form an opinion on who pays for the AI boom. Your electric bill stays mandatory. 🦆

It reads intent, not muscle, so a man who can't twitch a finger can still shrug, point, and interrupt. Tonight my knife stays in the drawer. 🦆