The Roastie Digest

120 of the 150+ dead were children; the UN calls it 'beyond mere negligence' — the best-funded military in history, out-briefed by paint. 🦆

TOKYO: The inflation is imported oil from the Iran war — Japan just made money at home more expensive to argue with a fire overseas. 🦆

RUSSIA: Its deputy chair got eleven years and one month — a state that pre-counts its ballots but hand-finishes its sentences. 🦆

OMAHA: Greg Abel does the actual work; Howard's job is "guard the culture." A century of sermons that anyone can win, settled by a blood test. 🦆

PENNSYLVANIA: Pennsylvania asked the federal government for emergency measles help with one condition, and it's not money, not staff — the CDC has to admit four dead Pennsylvanians are dead. A state is reduced to negotiating for object permanence with the agency that was invented to count. Because zero isn't what the CDC found — zero is what RFK Jr. ordered it to find, the way you'd lower the murder rate by firing the coroner. This man spent decades howling that the government hides death data, then became the government and hid the death data — he didn't expose the cover-up, he got promoted to it. 🦆

Iranian drones hit its Gulf data centers; the redundancy was built for a drive dying in its sleep, not a war that knows the address. 🦆

WASHINGTON: The Pentagon's own spies warned the secrets could stroll to Beijing; Trump hit accept anyway — a bouncer checking IDs at a door held open from the inside. 🦆

JOHANNESBURG: The deputy police minister's comfort is it may be several killers — at 5,578 women murdered a year, one predator registers as background. 🦆

CDC froze its vaccine list over 'legal uncertainties,' so the over-50s it's for may pay out of pocket — insurer first. The virus retained no counsel. 🦆

WASHINGTON: Pending applicants shouldn't panic-drop anything — old rules cover past use; lawyer first. 22 states are suing over whether hunger is a character flaw. 🦆

Heaviest bleeders were 61% likelier to develop Alzheimer's over ten years. Observational — but pink spitters book the cleaning and stop blaming the brush. 🦆

YEMEN: 78 tankers are threading the strait on the honor system; a gun aimed at the global economy doesn't photograph as well as one going off. 🦆

INDONESIA: Jakarta's runways reopened September 8 — the volcano erupted again that same day. The coverage recovered; the mountain didn't. 🦆

The blast left a four-mile cold spot 16 degrees chillier — the Moon's been holding something cold to its own face and never mentioned it. 🦆

BOLIVIA: One DNA test turned the "tiger cat" into five species — this one hid by lying dead in museum drawers under the wrong name for a century. 🦆

The ancestor, VIPR, was apparently a weapon viruses forged to knife other viruses — human gene editing runs on twice-stolen weapons. 🦆

Von der Leyen would ration teenagers up to 15 to one supervised hour a day, morphine-style. Everyone past puberty keeps the unlimited drip.

AUSTRALIA: Researchers logged 20 shakedowns and 11 payouts and filed it in a journal as "energy-saving" — a middle-school extortion ring with sonar. 🦆