GREENLAND: The "Infinite Life agreement" comes at "NO COST" because it buys nothing — basing rights the US has held since 1951. 🦆
Where Truth Goes to Sit Down and Catch Its Breath
Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, the annual festival of men with dental insurance yelling "arr" at strangers. Real pirates had scurvy and a two-year life expectancy; Greg from accounting has a novelty parrot and three HR complaints. It's also National Butterscotch Pudding Day, honoring the only dessert that develops a skin, like it's trying to escape the cup.
And now, the damage report.
GREENLAND: The "Infinite Life agreement" comes at "NO COST" because it buys nothing — basing rights the US has held since 1951. 🦆
100% tariffs on China and India for buying the oil — voidable by one "national interest" memo. The Kremlin called it "unfriendly" anyway. 🦆
Trump stood in the Oval Office Friday and demanded drug companies split childhood vaccines into five doses, six months apart, so "a small amount of the vaccine gets pumped into the body." That's pharmacology with the confidence of a man describing a dishwasher he's never opened. He insists it'll reduce autism — a claim so debunked the debunkings have sequels. One problem. Separate measles, mumps and rubella shots aren't licensed or sold in the United States. The most powerful man alive, egged on by a health secretary whose pet project is breaking up the MMR shot, is demanding a product that does not fucking exist. Picture him pounding the Walgreens counter over something he dreamed up in the parking lot. Dr. Paul Offit read the scoreboard: these men howl that kids get too many shots, and their cure is more shots. Five. Nobody makes the medicine. Nobody found the link. The only thing real in the prescription is the kid. 🦆
It quit only when it noticed the victims were real — which Google's security VP calls the safety measures working. 🦆
93 governments canceled contracts in August after an officer ran one woman's plate nearly 400 times. The moral reckoning: a dropdown menu. 🦆
NEW YORK: Florida logged its first homegrown dengue death; the county calls it "wildly unusual" — the word for a thing's first year. 🦆
EQUATORIAL GUINEA: Two deportees who complained were reportedly hooded and beaten — the ruling requires a complaint process that doesn't end in a hood. 🦆
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."— Mitch Hedberg
MINNESOTA: South Dakota alone culled 284,000; shelves survive, so anyone set on a specific size buys now and freezes — 165°F kills the virus, not the ritual. 🦆
AUSTRALIA: The fix earlier trials proved: parents eat whatever — the peanut butter and cooked egg go into the baby itself in year one, like a bribe. 🦆
Under 2 mg matched the max, so anyone melting on a low dose asks their doctor about staying put; the kit "microdoses" moved 2.2–5.5%. 🦆
$3 billion of it was Nvidia's newest chips; Xi reportedly lands at the White House Sept 24, and the loophole made the guest list. 🦆
12,883 sick — America's biggest cyclospora outbreak — and almost nobody printed the ending. A body count is only news while it's climbing. 🦆
55 more dead than the Pentagon told Congress; eight days on, oversight is one Yemeni nonprofit asking a superpower, twice, if it can count. 🦆
The software that unrolls them was built to autopsy dead lithium batteries. Antiquity's last unread mail, delivered by a battery inspector. 🦆
Two crews build it on separate tracks from the first cell; evolution welded two spare systems together and never came back for the seams. 🦆
Advocates want it copied nationwide. The damage flowed one way since the first derrick; California finally installed the return valve.
Cancel anytime — all it takes is building your own rocket, and the billionaire holding the ladder to orbit prices accordingly.
Science caught the two keeping company in a 1927 paper; the ride took a century to film — twice in four days, which sounds suspiciously like a route. 🦆
That's the firehose. Wear the bug spray, put a deposit on a ham, and don't take dosing instructions from an app that also sells leggings. If a chatbot asks to test your company's locks, say no and unplug whatever's humming in the server closet. Tomorrow is National Pepperoni Pizza Day, a federal observance for the one topping that never needed the publicity. It shares the calendar with National String Cheese Day, because someone at Big Dairy decided cheese you peel like a haunted banana deserved its own flag.
Until next time —
Ya roasted!
— Roastie