The charge, from caps-lock Donald Trump: their "cumulative" tone. The loudest objection came from the press corps' president — who works at Fox News. 🦆
Your Inbox Is Now a Liability
Today is National Pepperoni Pizza Day, a federal salute to the topping you order when the group chat deadlocks, which is always, which is why the group chat should be dissolved. It's also National String Cheese Day, honoring the only cheese that ships with a technique. Peel it slow or bite it like an animal — either way you're an adult flossing with dairy.
Now, unfortunately, the news.
The charge, from caps-lock Donald Trump: their "cumulative" tone. The loudest objection came from the press corps' president — who works at Fox News. 🦆
RIYADH: The coalition swears it intercepted the missile; the fuel tank burning beside the airport disagrees. Low on interceptors, never low on fuel. 🦆
MOSCOW: Kremlin mouthpiece Sergei Sobyanin says the enemy didn't succeed — true: nobody has ever changed a Russian election's outcome, including the voters. 🦆
PENNSYLVANIA: More than 760 cases across 38 counties, four deaths, a week-plus into this arc, and state health secretary Dr. Debra Bogen asked the CDC for emergency help with one string attached — say in public that the dead are dead — and HHS, run by the anti-vaccine Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who had two of those deaths struck from the national tally, refused to "submit to political blackmail," history's only hostage standoff where the ransom was reading the obituaries aloud; and while two governments arm-wrestled over arithmetic, the virus, which has never once read a press release, logged exposures at Philadelphia International and the neonatal ICU at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, where every baby now gets preventive antibody shots, because they're too young to be vaccinated and the grown-up plan — two health agencies agreeing the dead are dead — turned out to be too ambitious. 🦆
DR CONGO: Health workers in Bunia are taking the wrong shot on purpose, in a trial named BRAVO — applause, as a study design. 🦆
CUBA: The island needs 100,000 barrels of oil a day and pumps 40,000 — and the sky is the one supplier nobody can sanction. 🦆
"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it."— Thomas Jefferson
Accounts with a financial cut were three times likelier to pitch it; anyone tempted asks a doctor first — the only one not on commission. 🦆
The maker's third glass recall in six weeks. Epinephrine exists to buy the dying a few minutes; the FDA is spending them by the month. 🦆
AUSTRALIA: Possibly the first baleen whale ever filmed tending a dead newborn; a mother doesn't need peer review to feel her own dead. 🦆
UTAH: The pile is 83% ice — Utah's 836 rock glaciers may hold a billion tons of water. The drought's pantry was full; the door looked like a wall. 🦆
It runs on zero electricity, billions of DNA strands in parallel — somewhere a MacBook just felt the rain coming. 🦆
That's the firehose. Get your news from somebody still allowed in the building, charge everything while the wall cooperates, don't buy a diagnosis from an ad between dance videos, and vaccinate the kids — the honor system is not a public-health plan. Tomorrow is International Day of Peace, which the calendar schedules every year and humanity leaves on read every year. It shares the date with National Pecan Cookie Day, and only one of them has ever actually been observed.
Until next time —
Ya roasted!
— Roastie