The Roastie Digest

GERMANY: 4.9 percent, a tenth under the cutoff — the mainstream is still refusing to govern with the AfD, and there's less mainstream left to refuse with. 🦆

The Iran menu he's reportedly weighing: a deal, letting them rot, or ending the government — and with the economy down 10.1%, the rot's already served. 🦆

In California it's past $10, a number the pump signs physically can't show — whoever built them figured $9.99 was the ceiling. 🦆

Watch the hands: the White House is drafting an order that shoves all $48 billion of NIH research grants through a new committee whose approval would reportedly have to be unanimous. Sounds like consensus. It's a kill switch in every chair. One political appointee, any one, can strangle any biomedical grant in America for smelling "woke." The staffing is the confession. Russ Vought is the budget director; his one documented talent is refusing to spend money, and they've aimed it point-blank at cancer research. Jay Bhattacharya runs NIH, but on this board his yes to his own grants counts for nothing and anyone's no counts for everything — a hired director with a decorative signature. The ACLU is already suing, because studying Alzheimer's now requires a First Amendment lawyer. Cancer doesn't need unanimous consent to grow. Curing it does. 🦆

Nothing on the chart but heat and dehydration — lead suspect: the shift. The one treatment America stocks: making the patients disappear. 🦆

NORTH ATLANTIC: Several drums have rusted open, and the crabs that moved in have done more follow-up than the governments that dumped them. 🦆

CALIFORNIA: Six counties are tracing everyone who rode his trains over six days; anyone exposed with a fever calls a provider first — waiting rooms add stops. 🦆

Twelve weeks, 2.4 pounds of muscle, zero aerobic gain — the heart's the one bouncer powder can't bribe; anyone 45–65 asks a doctor first. 🦆

BRITAIN: Co-founder's Supreme Court hearing is "expected this quarter," no date — Britain arrests on a schedule and adjudicates on a shrug. 🦆

WASHINGTON: The rule forces a vote within two days, so he deleted the days. He swears it gets tabled "immediately" — Washington for after the midterms. 🦆

RED SEA: Traffic's down to 8 ships a day from 85 — one of civilization's arteries closed on camera, except every camera was aimed at better lighting. 🦆

Budgeted 200 kg of fuel for its first burn, sipped 18. Every government burns the whole tank finding the driveway. 🦆

CALIFORNIA: A thousand fit in a towel-sized patch, moving 340 tons a day — every sunbather who whined about sand was heckling the crew mid-shift. 🦆

Everyone else is taxed at the register with no vote; the people who wouldn't notice 5 percent get a campaign, a ballot, and a chance to say no. 🦆

One man's failing motor neurons got new instructions and — a first for anyone ever handed instructions — actually followed them. 🦆

SHANGHAI: The league is named 'Ultimate Robot Knock-out Legend,' and a century of DON'T BUILD THE METAL MAN movies ends with us teaching him to duck. 🦆