Oz calls them "phantoms"; analysts say many may just have missed a form. A phantom books $2.2 billion in savings, a person books a refund. 🦆
Your Daily Update on Why Your Eyelid Won’t Stop Twitching
Today is National Great American Pot Pie Day, celebrating the one dish whose whole personality is "don't ask what's under the crust" — very Great, very American. It's also Bi Visibility Day, and no, bisexuals didn't just turn visible; you filed actual people under "phase" for decades like a DMV losing paperwork on purpose. They were always here. You were squinting.
Now squint at this instead.
Oz calls them "phantoms"; analysts say many may just have missed a form. A phantom books $2.2 billion in savings, a person books a refund. 🦆
Diesel's still nailed at a record $6.52 a gallon, and Treasury's big move is checking whether an export ban is even feasible. 🦆
MEXICO: The warm eastern Pacific built its second-strongest storm on record with the effort of reheating leftovers; Guerrero still got a foot of rain. 🦆
GREENLAND: He demanded the deed six months ago; he walked out with two bases and flyover rights — the parking permit of empires. 🦆
NEW YORK: He predicts a deal right after the midterms — the peace has a premiere date, and it sits on his election calendar. 🦆
NYU alone paid $8.5 million; no settlement lists how many kids lost care. These deals are announced in dollars, never counted in patients. 🦆
The UN rates the odds it lasts into 2027 at 100 percent — the science that can't promise a dry Thursday is finally sure about the oven. 🦆
PENNSYLVANIA: "Until full." That's the spec — two words where a number goes, the same line you'd file about a dumpster. ICE's Pennsylvania paperwork orders a fleet of GEO Group vans to trail officers on arrests and hold human beings until the door won't close. And don't pretend these people can't count: GEO's CEO counts beautifully — 68,000 ICE beds, an appetite for 30,000 more, seven billion dollars in detention contracts inked this week alone. They can bill a mattress to the penny; the counting only stops when the cargo breathes. Exactly one standard survived drafting — women out after ten hours — and nothing on food, bathrooms, or a clock for anyone else. An elevator carries a placard with a number; this paperwork carries a shrug. They didn't run out of cruelty, sweetheart, just buildings. So now the cage makes house calls. 🦆
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."— Emo Philips
A study found 7x the rate; anyone on a GLP-1 who loses sight in one eye sees an eye doctor that day — the courts take a decade to price one. 🦆
Its maker graded its own homework at 70; the FDA said 35. The colonoscopy stays — 'proven to save lives' is a sentence the test can't say. 🦆
37 sick in four states; toss it — trash, not ceviche — and anyone unvaccinated who ate it in the past two weeks asks about a hep A shot now. 🦆
The unwatched cities hit 3.3 times the WHO limit; State is eighteen months into "restoring" the data and has restored none of it. 🦆
It also survives five minutes at 158 — egg-cooking heat — so spines, brains and whales just got out-toughed by a smear with no organs. 🦆
Neptune-sized, tilted 136 degrees: it read the one rule planets are handed and said no. Every atom in you got the same rule and folded. 🦆
CHILE: The tooth is 8.8 million years old — the 'forty million years dry' desert apparently spent its youth as a wetland spa for giant rodents. 🦆
AUSTRALIA: Those 20-kilometer trenches weren't carved by water — the ground is sagging, and the same faint slump could rat out buried caves on Mars. 🦆
The permit queue wants 474 gigawatts; the grid's all-time record is 85.5 — he sold five and a half Texases out of the one he has. 🦆
Sea of Thieves and Age of Empires went in the crate too. Add July's 3,200 cuts and layoffs are the last franchise Microsoft makes in-house. 🦆
CALIFORNIA: Lifeguards charged in to save a "sick" turtle and found labor — in a county where humans mortgage three generations for a parking-lot view. 🦆
That's the firehose. Confirm your health insurance still exists before you need it, cook your clams like they owe you money, decline any ride whose listed capacity is "until full," and if a turtle can pick a new beach, you can answer one email. Tomorrow is National Cherries Jubilee Day, honoring the dessert you set on fire at the table, because America saw fruit and thought "needs a liability waiver." It's also National Punctuation Day, so your uncle's no-comma all-caps posts get one day of amnesty; the semicolon, as usual, gets none.
Until next time —
Ya roasted!
— Roastie