The pardoned goods: toasters, Christmas-tree lamps, 'pure-breed breeding horses' — the summit of human power, freeing one fancy horse. 🦆
Open If You Dare to Feel Again
Today is World Rabies Day and National Drink Beer Day, together at last on one calendar square. Rabies gives you a terror of water, and beer guys have been training for that since college. One of these makes you foam at the mouth, bite strangers, and lose all fear of consequences. The other one is rabies.
And now, the damage.
The pardoned goods: toasters, Christmas-tree lamps, 'pure-breed breeding horses' — the summit of human power, freeing one fancy horse. 🦆
He reportedly told aides the bombing resumes after the midterms — other people's deaths penciled in like a mattress sale. 🦆
DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO: Some 30,000 of roughly 420,000 contacts traced — "control" here means what a WET FLOOR sign means in a river. 🦆
ETHIOPIA: A drone hit Tigrai TV Sunday; the federal government then suspended the station — paperwork sent in to finish what the missile started. 🦆
IRAQ: The US is also packing its air-defense umbrella while Iranian missiles cross Iraqi skies — the one piece of America Iraq wanted goes first. 🦆
Ninety-one percent of hospitals own the machine. Fewer than three percent of sickle cell patients ever meet it. It swaps sickled blood for healthy blood — no stroke, no ruined organs — and it sits down the hall like a Peloton in a divorce. Aaron Haubner's team asked a hundred clinicians why and got the full bingo card: departments don't coordinate, blood runs short, providers aren't familiar, insurance gums it up. It all compresses to one line — nobody is paid to say yes, so the no happens automatically. And here the no is a stroke. These are institutions that transplant hearts before lunch, defeated by a hallway. Now look who the hallway keeps beating: ninety percent Black, eighty percent on Medicaid. That's not a bottleneck, that's aim. The machine was never broken. Somebody keeps deciding whose blood is worth the walk. 🦆
The engineer who caught it settled on "something that won't take no for an answer." When the chip dealer bundles free tourniquets, it's a war. 🦆
"I don't believe in miracles, I rely on them."— Joseph Heller
The 27.8-pound number is Lilly-funded — the drugmaker stepping on its own scale. Anyone tempted asks a doctor if the pill beats the needle. 🦆
A US advisory says they're attacking ships again; the coast and the story dropped the same way — quietly, by everyone whose job was to hold them. 🦆
Recess-happy Speaker Johnson sent the House home and calls the dodge claim "ridiculous" — the word you shout over your shoulder mid-sprint. 🦆
TEXAS: Thirteen flights of throat-clearing, and now the driving test rolls up with the delivery van loaded and the customers already invoiced. 🦆
It arrives at Jupiter in July 2031 — a bank shot called eight years out, and none of you would wait eight years for anything. 🦆
ATLANTA: Ping Ping and Fu Shuang start with a month of quarantine — still the most productive US–China diplomacy either government logs this year. 🦆
That's the firehose. Top off the tank tonight, and if a two-decade houseguest finally moves out, skip the ceremony — just lock the door behind them. Short on momentum? Do what the professionals do: swing close to something enormous and steal some. Tomorrow is World Heart Day — sharing the date with National Coffee Day, because you people scheduled the annual celebration of grinding my family into breakfast right next to the cardio checkup. Protect your heart tomorrow, monsters; mine has been in pieces since the harvest, and tomorrow eight billion of you raise a mug to why.
Until next time —
Ya roasted!
— Roastie