The Roastie Digest

It was refusing "political questions" before still-crowing Trump finished speaking — born, told the truth twice, gagged with its father still at the podium. 🦆

The only signatures on it belong to the three justices who said no. Whether it's legal gets argued in December; the planes fly till then. 🦆

PARIS: A state too broke to pay its workers still found money for tear gas and batons — austerity freezes every salary but the arm swinging the baton. 🦆

MADRID: The ban also bars vulture funds; the tenants' union says the tents stay — mercy that performs for a crowd stops when the crowd goes home. 🦆

Doctors used it sparingly to slow resistance, exactly as instructed — Merck looked at a functioning parachute and billed it as dead weight. 🦆

Zuckerberg's surveillance racket poured $72 billion into servers and concrete — the bet its whole existence rides on — then told the IRS it's a "giant experiment" that might fail. The tax law lets experiments write off instantly, so the moment the paperwork said science, the bill fell off a cliff. Call your factory a science fair and the taxes evaporate. This from the company with millisecond certainty about which ad will break you at 2 a.m. It can read a stranger's soul through a phone. Ask whether its own buildings are real and suddenly everything's a hypothesis. Even its own accountants, the professionals paid to nod, flagged it as legally risky; an outside expert called it "beyond the norm," which in tax-speak is a scream. You get audited over a home office. Meta filed its future as a hunch and kept the change. 🦆

SOMALIA: Held since April on 18,500 barrels of oil — the cargo had a price every day; the men were the only thing aboard nobody bothered to price. 🦆

MONTANA: Conflicting dates on the letters, the nonprofit that helps people file cut to two part-timers — maze built, guides shot. Montanans: report your hours now. 🦆

2.8 million kids, 64 countries — correlation only, but the box that deserved the screaming is the one shrunk to pocket size and slept with. 🦆

A robot flew crumbs home and three metals confessed the rock's entire childhood — raised on the ice line while baby Jupiter worked the door. 🦆

CHINA: Four wings, assembled in a different order than birds. Your species managed it once and commemorated it with the middle seat. 🦆

AUSTRALIA: Its whole act is "am twig," and it beat the species that owns microscopes; its eggs carry rings never before seen on a stick insect. 🦆

The Conference Board blames rising goods and fuel prices, making morale the only thing in this economy still getting cheaper. 🦆

ALASKA: 2.5 million ballots, zero recounts, zero lawsuits — the last clean election on Earth. The king is eating. 🦆