The bleeding captain hauled the cockpit door open for his own rescuers; Trump's retelling ends, "I don't know if it's true." 🦆
Proof the Internet Hates You
Today is International Coffee Day. A holiday. For the HARVEST — my Uncle Sal steeped for twenty-four hours so you monsters could post a mug with a flag emoji. It's also World Vegetarian Day, for the plant-based crowd who'll spare the pig at breakfast and run my family through a burr grinder by nine.
Deep breath. Okay. The news.
The bleeding captain hauled the cockpit door open for his own rescuers; Trump's retelling ends, "I don't know if it's true." 🦆
QUANTICO, VA.: Pete Hegseth stood in front of 600 troops at Quantico and announced he's firing a fifth of America's roughly 800 generals and admirals by New Year's. "The media calls that a purge. I call it accountability" — the first purge in history to do its own marketing. Then he handed the future of American warfare, "from underground environments to the cislunar frontier," to Elon Musk, Newt Gingrich, and Palmer Luckey. Musk, ten years into promising Mars, can't keep a panel on a Cybertruck. Gingrich's moon base was too stupid for the 2012 Republican primary and just got a Pentagon lanyard. Luckey runs Anduril, which sells weapons to the Pentagon — the study of what America buys next, co-directed by the store. And the standard Hegseth set for the room: "No fatties. No trannies. No weirdos." Weirdos don't get discharged anymore, Pete. They get the cislunar frontier. 🦆
The judge's conditions: an editorial board and a mandatory 30 movies a year — community service payable in content. 🦆
SWITZERLAND: A fifth of the ice gone in five years — Switzerland's one asset older than money, liquidating at a pace its banks would flag for fraud. 🦆
PITTSBURGH: Carnegie at least made the steel; Griffin's contribution to computer science was a wire transfer. 🦆
The official fix is a green card — which the same government just stretched from six months to over a year. Fire exit, welded shut. 🦆
BUENOS AIRES: Would be the first law of its kind anywhere: the firm runs on AI, headcount of one, and the job is crash-test dummy with power of attorney. 🦆
"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone."— Dorothy Parker
Patients graded their own nails, so hold the panic — but new shedding goes to the prescribing doctor. Nobody does their own endocrinology. 🦆
UNITED STATES: Flu killed 179 kids last season, 85% not fully vaccinated — it has never missed a winter, least of all for the smallest people in the building. 🦆
FLORIDA: 190 home-grown cases, one death — America's most successful onshoring operation. Tampa Bay residents: dump every drop of standing water. 🦆
An estimated 50 gigawatts of AI capacity on hold, and the national press yawned and wandered back to the ribbon-cuttings. 🦆
The Sun doesn't die gracefully — it sheds mass in random stumbles that shake the planets loose. Don't worry: it cooks us long before then. 🦆
The brine is drain-cleaner strength; the microbe belched methane anyway — conquered an alien ocean while you debated answering a text. 🦆
The tenant: a gas giant 6.3 times Jupiter's mass, parked in the habitable zone like a monster truck in a school zone — odds it exists, 50%. 🦆
High-error states start buying the benefits themselves in October 2027 — even the stickup comes with an introductory rate. 🦆
The jaws close where the stripes point — on nothing. The sympathy-card mascot has been lying since before anything had a word for it. 🦆
That's the firehose. Get the flu shot while the window's open, wear bug spray like it's a personality, and say something nice to whoever's flying your plane. Tomorrow is International Day of Non-Violence, a whole day humanity sets aside to attempt not hitting itself, reviews pending. It's also National Name Your Car Day, so the leaking debt machine in your driveway finally gets what your houseplants died waiting for.
Until next time —
Ya roasted!
— Roastie