Nearly 70% of Americans say it's not worth fighting; the one thing aboard with no battle station is the consent of the people paying for it. 🦆
Unread = Denial. Open = Despair.
Today is International Day of Non-Violence, humanity's one scheduled day off from its favorite hobby — attendance, historically, is poor. It's also National Name Your Car Day, for everyone who thinks a 2014 Corolla with a check-engine light deserves a government name. You didn't name her, champ. You adopted a debt and called it Brenda.
Anyway — the news, as threatened.
Nearly 70% of Americans say it's not worth fighting; the one thing aboard with no battle station is the consent of the people paying for it. 🦆
KYIV: The day he said it, his missiles hit Ukraine's grid and killed seven — the only promise he keeps is the one a slumlord makes in December. 🦆
DR CONGO: Only a fifth of the camp's 1,000 Ebola contacts have been traced since — the one thing the soldiers disarmed was the outbreak response. 🦆
TENNESSEE: Seven needles. One hour. One of them visibly bent, like the executioner was fishing a pickle out of the jar. Tennessee pumped two doses of pentobarbital into Christa Pike Wednesday night and could not kill her. She lay there snoring, heart still beating, telling witnesses her arm was burning while it blistered purple — experts think the drug went into her flesh instead of a vein. That's not a procedure, that's a stabbing with a permission slip. And this was the rematch: in May Tennessee couldn't get an IV into Tony Carruthers at all. A state that can find your unpaid parking ticket from orbit is zero for two at finding a vein. So Governor Bill Lee cut his executioners off the way a bar cuts off a drunk — not out of remorse, he just keeps missing. Seven needles in, and the only thing Tennessee managed to kill was the case for ever handing it another one. 🦆
He wants France and Germany to drain 120 million reserve barrels or no exports — a bank robber pressing the pistol to his own temple. 🦆
Amazon's cloud chief blames the revolt on 'misinformation' — the NDAs made the truth illegal to say. Already-signed towns stay gagged. 🦆
Still rising in over-35s who missed the shot; the win ran as a health brief, so the parade's on me — stay boring, you magnificent bastards. 🦆
"I fell into writing, I suppose, being one of those awful children who wrote verses."— Dorothy Parker
2.3 million cases in 2024; anyone who missed the HPV or hep B shots can ask a doctor about catch-up — the mugshot's hung in the lobby all along. 🦆
Every 100g of sugar before antibiotics is tied to another 21% drop in good gut bacteria, so anyone starting a course should ease off the sweets. 🦆
NEW YORK CITY: $525 a pop; anyone still trapped can file a complaint with the city — the business model was people too worn down to find the door. 🦆
Commander Jessica Watkins is the first Black woman to lead a crew to orbit; the rest of the species replied "sounds good" to an email it hated. 🦆
A millennium of parading this book through York Minster's holiest ceremonies — all to solemnly venerate, it turns out, a sheep plague. 🦆
Ancient beaches snitched: continents drowned mid-roll, and it's still happening, just slowly. Go trust the floor again. 🦆
The layoffs proceed as scheduled — the axe just needs a human fingerprint on the handle now. 🦆
A bond hearing is the few minutes someone explains the cage to a judge. Nine robes will decide whether the cage speaks for itself. 🦆
FLORIDA KEYS: Pipe-and-nylon shades cut the light 60 percent in the Florida Keys — the ocean just accepted first aid from hot dog cart hardware. 🦆
That's the firehose. Skip the dessert course while you're on antibiotics, cancel one subscription just to feel the power, carry an umbrella — apparently they work miracles — and if the week flattens you, remember the planet itself has rolled over more than once and kept spinning. Tomorrow is National Boyfriend Day, a participation trophy for men whose entire contribution is "we can watch whatever." It shares the calendar with National Butterfly and Hummingbird Day, honoring two creatures that, unlike the boyfriend, are decorative AND useful.
Until next time —
Ya roasted!
— Roastie