BRAZIL: Grudge-nursing Donald Trump punished Brazil with a 50% tariff for jailing his friend; it appears to have boosted Lula — a rescue so precise it shot the hostage. 🦆
The World Has Gone from Suck to Blow
Today is World Animal Day and National Taco Day, scheduled together, on purpose. Humanity's tribute to the animal kingdom is a heartfelt post at noon and carnitas by six. The cow saw the calendar. The cow knows.
Deep breath. The news.
BRAZIL: Grudge-nursing Donald Trump punished Brazil with a 50% tariff for jailing his friend; it appears to have boosted Lula — a rescue so precise it shot the hostage. 🦆
MEKELLE, ETHIOPIA: The government claims 895 dead rebels nobody can verify, and residents warn of looting because nobody's guarding the city it just won. 🦆
FRANCE: 5,000 arrests, 85% minors; then it billed the parents for damages — the first invoice in French education to arrive fully funded and on time. 🦆
KYIV: Zelensky hits back with refinery strikes — Russians reportedly buying Chinese EVs as gas dries up. The petrostate can't fill its own tanks. 🦆
GENEVA: Life expectancy is back to 73.3; dementia climbed from 19th to fifth since 2000. We won the years back, and the years came with interest. 🦆
NAIROBI: Second case ever, first in Africa — and Kenya's pharmacy shelf mostly held one antifungal, which is now peer-reviewed fungus food. 🦆
"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."— Rodney Dangerfield
The bar is 25–38 grams a day; the average American hits about half — flunking a test the species could pass with a pear. 🦆
Antibiotics still work, so anyone weighing the two asks their surgeon about the cancer gap — the first employee to improve the numbers by being walked out. 🦆
The Department of Justice — the agency allegedly built for spies, cartels, and fraud — has found its growth industry: a protection racket run on children's hospitals for treating transgender kids. Six have paid so far, and the NYU and UPMC settlements put the snitch clause in writing — credit for cooperating against "other entities," which is federal for "rat out two friends and we'll go easy on you." The Gambinos ran this exact play, and even the Gambinos never asked anyone to wear a wire into a pediatric ward. And when a federal judge killed the Boston Children's subpoena as intimidation — that word, in the ruling — the Department didn't blush; it's in court right now fighting to get its intimidation back. Not the care. Not the kids. The intimidation. The one asset this crew refuses to write off. 🦆
Sensors reportedly still run; the telling broke. Pollution rose up to 33% in 46 cities once the feed died — the scoreboard was the leash. 🦆
The runts just rear-ended each other until the wreckage learned to spiral — your galaxy is a demolition derby with delusions of elegance. 🦆
Naked-eye bright sunset to dawn, no app, no login — the only show left that doesn't want your email. You're face-down in your phone anyway. 🦆
Congo's deadliest-ever outbreak is past 4,000 deaths, so the shield gets built mid-siege: a trial inside the epidemic it's meant to stop. 🦆
Cotton's answer: Arkansas kids shouldn't go to school in the pitch dark. When Tom Cotton is the reasonable one, it's later than you think. 🦆
163 genomes in, the lineages that rattled hardest have the most species today. The meek got nothing; the Earth went to the twitchy. 🦆
That's the firehose. Eat something with fiber in it, you're in the 94%; if a surgeon offers to take a part you weren't using, hear them out; step outside tonight and look up, the ringed one is showing off; and don't answer calls from Arkansas numbers you don't recognize. Tomorrow is World Teachers' Day, when the people who taught you to read get a hashtag instead of a raise. It's also National Apple Betty Day, celebrating a dessert named like somebody's great-aunt, because it is one.
Until next time —
Ya roasted!
— Roastie