BRAZIL: Oct. 25 Brazil votes on whether a presidency is heritable — the Amazon, the planet's lungs, outdrawn by one family's prison paperwork. 🦆
Abandon Hope All Ye Who Open This Email
Happy World Teachers' Day to the people doing civilization's most important job on a salary that assumes they'll buy the glue sticks themselves. We honor them once a year, with a mug. It's also National Apple Betty Day, celebrating the dessert a pie becomes when it stops believing in itself. Betty, sweetheart, the teachers know exactly how you feel.
Deep breath. To the news.
BRAZIL: Oct. 25 Brazil votes on whether a presidency is heritable — the Amazon, the planet's lungs, outdrawn by one family's prison paperwork. 🦆
A Colorado county committed the one sin Big Oil never forgives — arithmetic — and dozens of counties behind it are holding invoices. 🦆
YEMEN: US officials say more than 200 American analysts ran support from Saudi Arabia — no uniforms, no vote, a battlefield billed by the hour. 🦆
SPAIN: Parliament threw out his housing measures first; men in good suits will promise four walls, and the winner moves into a palace either way. 🦆
Within days. Not sunset, not phase-out, not pending review — days, the notice you give a tenant you're trying to freeze out. The USDA's biggest and oldest research lab — the one thing standing between your dinner and everything evolving to eat it first — could go dark this week. Scientists warn the closure would weaken the country's ability to protect its own food supply, and understand: scientists hedge for a living. When the hedging class says "weaken," that's a man on fire filling out a comment card. This is a country ripping out its own immune system and booking it as savings. The blight doesn't furlough. The pests don't observe a wind-down — the biggest one walks upright and signs the paperwork. Enjoy your sandwich. It used to be peer-reviewed. 🦆
They retrained the immune system that kills the insulin-makers; a spreadsheet pricing lifetime insulin felt a cold draft. Tiny, unapproved. 🦆
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."— Dave Barry
Feeling better is the trap — the flu stays contagious after symptoms fade, so anyone it flattens this season stays home a few extra days. 🦆
25 percent — the pill was found at the scene, not convicted. Anyone with early memory loss taking it asks a doctor before the next refill. 🦆
2.5 million kids, same no — while everyone checks under the bed, measles nears 1,000 cases in Amish country. Unvaccinated kids need one catch-up visit. 🦆
STOCKHOLM: Every thought you've had is just neurons flickering on and off — the day they can do it on command, my hecklers list is in the mail. 🦆
The camera that got it is still in testing — it hasn't even started its real job. Peaking before your first day of work is obnoxious. 🦆
Lab-stage, not a treatment yet — but the repair crew was locked inside the eye the whole time while biology swore maintenance didn't exist. 🦆
Terror arrests near the base did the rest: the plane built to make other nations feel hunted got one taste of the product and bolted. 🦆
Every forest now traces its family tree through a room that rents by the week — you can cancel a grant, not spite with a PhD. 🦆
That's the firehose. Stay home the extra day when you're sick — boredom is not an antibody. Vaccinate the kid; the data checked again, two and a half million times, and it's still fine. If you lose one big vote, consider not betting the entire house on a do-over. Tomorrow is National Noodle Day, honoring the dinner you already eat standing over the sink like a raccoon with a lease. It's also National Mad Hatter Day, for a man whose job slowly poisoned him into madness — finally, a mascot for the entire workforce.
Until next time —
Ya roasted!
— Roastie