The Roastie Digest

WASHINGTON: The sanctions were a month old. Hours after the deal, Ukraine blew up a Russian refinery — he's pre-paid, in writing, for smoke. 🦆

The International Criminal Court investigated America's war in Afghanistan and put out an arrest warrant for Benjamin Netanyahu, so the United States did what cartels only dream of: it sanctioned the courthouse. Froze its assets. Typed its street address in The Hague onto the Treasury list like the scales of justice were laundering money through a nail salon. Enforcer Marco Rubio didn't even dress it up: "Either the ICC will end its threats, or we will end the ICC" — a protection racket read off a State Department podium. Nice court you got there. Shame if somebody ended it. And the tell: they kept the staff pensions flowing, because every mob still has a bookkeeper. Hours earlier the Nobel Peace Prize went to Navi Pillay, a former ICC judge, who said it seemed like it "must be a joke." It wasn't, ma'am. The joke cleared Treasury the next morning. 🦆

U.S. GULF COAST: A DeepMind model reportedly called its track and strength before it had a name — all that foresight bought was the lights dying on schedule. 🦆

PANAMA: The 7.7 flattened a colonial church; the Panama Canal ran ships straight through a 6.6 encore. The only thing it murdered was architecture. 🦆

NEW DELHI: A minister claimed 49% of their followers were in Pakistan; the data showed over 94% in India. These are the men auditing who gets to vote. 🦆

PHILADELPHIA: The AI invented a witness; the only thing between that tip and a live detective was the spam filter and a blank callback field. 🦆

GUINEA-BISSAU: Graded on deaths at 42 days — for a virus that kills decades later. A CDC official said 'another Tuskegee.' Fuck every hand that signs it. 🦆

Seven of ten patients can find a door again — camera goggles required — thanks to a protein that has never seen anything itself. 🦆

Anyone dumped shops medicare.gov Oct. 15–Dec. 7 — and gets a no-health-screening Medigap window, the one time this industry takes people uninspected. 🦆

One in six carried one. Anyone with a solid-tumor cancer can ask for germline testing at any age — the mutation never checked a birthday. 🦆

Opioids included. U.S. patients can look their doctor up on Open Payments and ask if that prescription was medicine or a sales budget. 🦆

Eighty generals erased — a fifth of command — and the war plans now belong to billionaires Elon Musk and Palmer Luckey, plus Newt Gingrich. 🦆

Pollution is up 24 to 33 percent in some of those cities since the feeds died, and the blindfold is still filed as a work in progress. 🦆

Nobody knows the cause, and the CDC's worker-safety arm hasn't made a sound — dying in a field doesn't clear the bar for a press release. 🦆

845 years later it's still wearing the shrapnel as a necklace — knots of gas, each wide enough to swallow the whole solar system. 🦆

Eleven hours watching a failed star seven light-years out: water clouds fattening and starving for an audience of zero, forever. 🦆

A half-meter paddler perfected your throat 165 million years ago, and your lineage has added nothing to it since. 🦆

Genes that had never met got mashed face-to-face and may have switched each other on; your genome stayed mint and invented the comment section. 🦆

The tents went up, came down, and the staff stayed to guard the concept. Cruelty so refined it no longer needs anyone to happen to. 🦆

The kids were always here — medicine just stopped looking past them. The ghouls' "epidemic" was a diagnostic checklist that got longer. 🦆

Sunday's show often only appears on camera: your phone sees the face of God while you squint at haze. Go outside anyway, ungrateful speck. 🦆