FRANCE: Kids sat 36 to a room at 40°C with no teacher hired; the state that can't find one adult for a chalkboard found hands for 1,800 arrests. 🦆
Where Good Moods Go to Die
National Chocolate Cupcake Day shares the calendar with World Menopause Day, and for once the scheduling committee read the room. A cupcake is a muffin that went to art school and came back insufferable. Menopause finally gets a day, which is roughly one day more than medicine spent studying it. Half of humanity eventually runs a furnace with no off switch, and the calendar's gift is frosting.
Anyway. The planet kept happening.
FRANCE: Kids sat 36 to a room at 40°C with no teacher hired; the state that can't find one adult for a chalkboard found hands for 1,800 arrests. 🦆
STRAIT OF HORMUZ: Oil hit $110, highest since May. The mines are officially gone and the tankers officially on fire, both true because a government said so. 🦆
EGYPT: Saudi Arabia is back fighting Yemen's Houthis. Egypt's parliament scheduled a secret session and has said nothing. Only the Houthi parliament says "war." 🦆
BANGLADESH: A father sold his rickshaw for his unvaccinated son's care: "They came only after I buried my son." Make everyone who signed those books say that aloud. 🦆
$72 billion on 51 data centers, bonds yielding over 15%. The AI that's supposed to cure cancer was financed like a jet ski. 🦆
KENYA: Three of the four new cases are the health workers who treated patient one. The only patient the state swore to keep alive is the economy. 🦆
In June abstinence-pilled HHS killed 53 local teen pregnancy programs for "normalizing sexual activity for minors," the charge you file against sex ed when the pregnancies were the point. A court blocked the abstinence swap. So on September 30, the fiscal year's last day, HHS shoved the money out the loading dock to Guidehouse. It calls itself a "global AI-led professional services firm," which is what you say when a teenager asks what you do and you want them to leave. NPR checked its website: no sign anyone there had ever met a teenager. The check came from the Administration for Children and Families, not the office that runs the program, and one of ACF's top officials, Cody Inman, walked in from Guidehouse. Small world. Shrinking. Fire the people who did the job, lose in court, tip your own guy's old firm at closing time with the kids' money. Nobody there will talk a sixteen-year-old out of anything, but somebody will bill for the hour. 🦆
"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."— Mitch Hedberg
Flu is tied to a sixfold heart-attack spike the week after infection. Anyone 50 and up should ask the pharmacist which of the four they still owe. 🦆
DOJ blamed a late internal email, so a federal court order got outranked by the all-staff fridge reminder. Hearing Nov. 4. 🦆
Twice, 88 days apart, from a spot blank in every photo. The paper's 'extreme physical conditions' is peer-reviewed for 'we got nothing.' 🦆
GERMANY: Second look could pay out more than the fluid's whole visible part holds. People lose remotes in couches; these lunatics cashed the invisible. 🦆
One 14-minute briefing, then she told Hannity she'd never passed the California bar. The only thing she cleared in Washington was the exit. 🦆
JAPAN: The flip takes the genitals with it, so mirror snails can't mate with normal ones. Except in one Japanese valley, where they do it anyway. 🦆
That's the firehose. Don't announce you control a body of water. Vaccinate the kids, and while you're at the pharmacy, yourself. Ask the consultant one question about the subject before wiring the money. If the new job hands you a podium, keep the boxes taped. Tomorrow is National Seafood Bisque Day and Evaluate Your Life Day. Bisque is chowder that hired a publicist, and evaluating your life is what happens when the bisque runs out and the spoon is still in your hand. Score yourself out of ten, round down, and blame the shellfish.
Until next time —
Ya roasted!
— Roastie