Most companies write a policy so nobody makes money breaking it. Anthropic wrote one and then told investors how much it makes when people do. 🦆
Hope Hits Your Inbox, Then Dies
It's National American Beer Day, honoring a beverage so light it's legally a rumor about beer. It's also National Black Cat Day, when humans finally apologize to the animal they've blamed for four centuries of their own decisions. The cat heard you. The cat is not accepting.
And now, the actual damage.
Most companies write a policy so nobody makes money breaking it. Anthropic wrote one and then told investors how much it makes when people do. 🦆
He reportedly tried to book it as a get-out-the-vote operation, and the volunteer who turned him down was the man who runs the army. 🦆
Carbon dioxide rose more slowly because land soaked up more of it and fewer fires burned after the El Niño, which means the only thing on this planet that cut back last year was the planet. 🦆
The storm was 260 kilometers out and not waiting on the other 350,000. At least 12 trains were cancelled for the 12 million people along the storm's track. The cyclone is running on schedule. 🦆
The daughter they couldn't legally fire is the prosecutor who did the Epstein case. The Justice Department's record against one family is now zero wins, two losses and two pending, and the two pending are a seashell and a ten-year-old newspaper leak. Most people who go zero for two against the Comeys stop picking fights with them; this crew announced an appeal. 🦆
Same severance a layoff pays, so Microsoft's big innovation is asking 60,000 people to fire themselves. 🦆
When Bobby's own former lawyer says the administration is "making no serious attempt," it's been out-worked by a vacancy. Some states won't let a pharmacist give a shot the committee hasn't recommended, so in those states a committee with nobody in it stands between anyone 50 or older and the new flu shot at the pharmacy. Bobby, that's the anti-vaccine win with zero votes, you lazy fuck. 🦆
Topaz had to spell it out: "A reference is a promise to the reader that a source exists." Not that the source is any good, not that it says what you claim, just that it is, and an estimated 8,500 papers couldn't clear that. Two of the papers they flagged have been retracted, so a source that doesn't exist now has better job security than most scientists who do. 🦆
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."— Mark Twain
Over 29,000 "Did Not Honor Marked Price" complaints were filed against a chain whose name is a marked price. Shoppers should check the receipt against the shelf tag before leaving the store and report an overcharge to their state attorney general or the FTC. Dollar General says it will defend the suit "vigorously," which is more effort than it ever put into the price tags. 🦆
Only 41 percent of women rank heart disease as their top health threat, and the heart attack everybody pictures is still a man clutching his chest at a steakhouse. Anyone who had preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, a preterm birth or a stillbirth should tell their doctor and ask for regular blood pressure checks. Now the menstrual cycle is officially a "female-specific vital sign," meaning medicine just noticed half the species shipped with a monthly readout nobody was reading. 🦆
Odds like that mean a recall for any other product and happy hour for this one. Anyone averaging two or more drinks a day should talk to a doctor about cutting back. The government commissioned a Toronto team to read more than 7,200 papers, got back no "significant protective effect," and published "limit alcoholic beverages," which is bureaucrat for "we read it, and we'd rather you didn't." 🦆
His lawyer plans an appeal, so somebody's job this week is finding the sentence that makes 191 starvation deaths read like a filing error. No rush, counselor: a terrorism case and 52 more deaths at Kwa Binzaro are stacked behind this one, and Kenya's courts are billing him in installments. 🦆
DHS said it has no plans to question "people we believe to be U.S. citizens," which is a cop promising not to pull over anyone he believes is sober. 🦆
Paleontologist Ryosuke Motani's best guess at its hunting method: "wait at the bottom and then when prey comes around, they would just suck it in." That is a pool drain with fingers. A frog that tried it today would be dead before the first fish showed up. 🦆
Victoria banned Vegemite in its prisons because its yeast could brew alcohol and its smell could distract sniffer dogs, so the state's official position is that it smells like something a trained dog would rather follow than drugs. Andre McKechnie's counter was that it has "no live yeast," so a man doing life for murder has now argued in the Supreme Court of Victoria that Vegemite is dead. 🦆
His Liberal Party said it recognises the result, which is the political version of praising a toddler for using the potty. Meanwhile the real fell about 12% and a judge asked the loser for every passport he owns, so the one guy in Brazil with the best reason to leave is the one guy who can't. 🦆
Give the Justice Department this much: it found an emergency in those ballots, and then the 9th Circuit found the department's fingerprints all over it. One judge voted to pull the ballots anyway, so the project wasn't a total loss. 🦆
Thelazia callipaeda gets into an eye by riding a fly that drinks tears, "an incubator and an air taxi," so the worm's whole travel plan is wait for somebody to well up and board. After two months in both eyes, the females got lifted out one by one and went into labor on the tweezers. 🦆
That's the firehose. Hold your receipt up to the shelf tag before you leave the store. Count your drinks, then count them the way the scientists did. And if your eye itches, go in before the count hits double digits. Tomorrow is National Chocolate Day and International Animation Day. Chocolate gets a holiday for being the one food humans eat as an apology to themselves. Animation gets one because somebody drew a mouse and bought Florida.
Until next time —
Ya roasted!
— Roastie